Remembering Them
Table Talk
Setting the Table
You are welcome here. Come just as you are, bringing whatever is on your heart today. Take a few moments and allow yourself to just be. Take a couple deep breaths, grab yourself a cup of coffee, light a candle, do something that brings you comfort. Allow yourself to be present in this moment.
Consider how a “Moment of Silence” allows you space to honor the memory of a loved one while also creating space for others to do the same.
And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.
― Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles
You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.
― Anne Lamott
Isaiah 49:15-16
A Mother never forgets the love she has for her children;
she is forever changed by the one she carries within her.
I, also, will never forget you.
Look here. I, God, have made you a part of Me.
I have written you on the palms of My hands.
Food for Thought
In September 2006, I began what has now become a 15-year journey as the associate pastor of a wonderful congregation in the heart of North Carolina. When they met me, I was beginning my first year of seminary, I was eager and anxious about where this new path might lead me, and I was curious to see how the nurturing life of faithful community might shift my understanding of the world.
When I met them, this thoughtful congregation was looking for ways to leave their mark of love in the community. They were launching a new backpack ministry to help feed families at our neighborhood school, they had vibrant ministries that cared for the children and youth of their congregation, and they practiced warm, authentic ways of connecting to one another that were welcoming to all.
And yet, the congregation was also in deep grief because the world as they had known it had been shattered all around them. I did not know this at first, but as the community shared their stories with me, I learned that one year earlier, a 21-year-old marine, who had grown up in that community, was killed by an improvised explosive device (IED) while conducting combat operations in Iraq.
This young man - who was carried as a toddler in the arms of these folks who loved him, who had run full speed up and down the aisles of their sanctuary, who infused the community with both joy and mischief; this one who was a son, brother, friend to so many - was gone too soon, and his community was broken open by his death.
After learning about their loss, the evidence of their grief was much easier to see. The community told stories of him often - a natural way of carrying someone you love close with you. When friends came back to visit, they would embrace in both laughter and tears over the memories they shared together. There were pictures of him on the walls, gifts given in his name, songs too difficult to sing now in worship.
When his dad moved back to the area, we became friends. On the days he could find the words, he spoke openly about the grief he faced in losing his son. When the words wouldn’t come, he cried. When I had my own son, almost 10 years later, the father joined us one morning for breakfast at a local restaurant. As I watched the two of them together - playing with sugar packets and laughing at funny mouth noises - it occurred to me that the moments I am actively making and cherishing with my children are the very memories he looks back on every day with joy-filled longing and gut-wrenching sadness.
There are no words for the depth of grief a parent experiences at the death of a child. It is a grief no one should have to know - and yet this deep grief is resonating around us all the time. You may not know it, but as you listen to the stories of those around you, it becomes more and more evident. There is an aching in the souls of those mothers and fathers - a part of them forever broken. There is a piece of them that still holds the hopes they had for their children; a wall within their hearts that is inscribed with the names of the children they do not get to hold on to in this lifetime.
It is unimaginable grief - a magnitude of grief that we are especially aware of today following the massacres of our brothers and sisters in Buffalo, NY, and our children and teachers in Uvalde, TX.
This week, I have hugged my own children tighter, listened to them more carefully, played with them more freely than I do most days - and I have remembered with deep sadness my friend and the families and parents of those in Buffalo and Uvalde who can no longer do those things. So, on this Memorial Day, may we all inscribe on our hearts the names of those who have been taken from this world too soon - those who have died in the service of freedom, and also those whose lives have been taken from their families in these terrible acts of violence. And then, may we open ourselves to that grief that is resonating around us - that we might become windows of grace to those who are hurting.
We may not always know who is carrying this burden within them, but perhaps we can learn to walk alongside one another in ways that make space for our grief, while also honoring the lives of those we miss.
Have a moment of silence by yourself or gathered with others. Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of those you love, the difficult things happening in our world, the hurt those around you are carrying - while also creating space for others to do the same.
If you know someone who has recently lost someone, reach out to them. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Maybe a note or phone call to say “I’m thinking of you”, or just a warm hug when words seem inadequate.
Blessing
Loving God, you know well the depth of our pain and loss.
You created each one of us as a part of you,
and you are with us in each step of our joy and our grief.
Help us to be reflections of your love and grace to those around us
- to walk with one another in the difficult spaces of our lives -
making room for the fullness of our grief,
while honoring the beautiful memories of those who are gone from us too soon.
A little Table Talk for your table...
Share a fond memory of someone you have loved and lost.
Talk together about the ways people showed up for you in your grief. What were some of the most meaningful ways someone said “I’m here.”
Discuss how our communities can collectively support one another through times of difficulty or trauma. What is one of the most helpful and healing things you have noticed in those moments?
Try taking it to the Kids Table...
It can be hard to be apart from the people we love, even for a short time. Ask your children to name things that bring them comfort in those moments.
Talk to your children about a movie or a book that makes them feel sad when they read it/watch it. What about the story is sad for them? Talk about the big feelings we feel sometimes, including sadness. Share a time you were sad, and offer simple words of love and support to your child like, “I love you and your big heart,” or “I’m so proud of you for caring about others.”
Make a card, draw a picture, cook a meal together, or record a song for someone you know who may be experiencing sadness or grief.
Meet Our Welcoming Voice!
Lin Story-Bunce is a North Carolina native, and lovingly calls Greensboro, NC home. She earned a Masters of Divinity from Wake Forest University and has served a wonderful and thoughtful congregation at College Park Baptist Church since 2009, pastoring to families and their faith development. Most of all, Lin loves the moments she gets to connect with her family, snowboarding with her wife and keeping up with their four kiddos and two energetic pups. Lin is a teacher, preacher, dreamer, and procrastinator who, if you ask her youth group, has a knack for trying to do way too many things in far too little time.
To hear more from Lin throughout the week, follow along on our Instagram!
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